749632 - 3. the process

by red jones

part three of ?

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to begin at the beginning, click here

unbeknownst to pete and larry and veronica and daphne, the department of population had decided that city 607432 would have its population decreased by 67% by consolidating all its inhabitants. the city would be broken down into groups of three inhabitants, and each group of three would be consolidated into a single inhabitant, or to use the almost obsolete term still used by some of the older denizens of the city, single individual. each floor of every building in city 607432 contained twenty-eight rooms housing a single inhabitant. nine groups of three would be consolidated from each floor. the twenty-eighth person from each floor would be placed in a pool of persons to be experimented on with a view to future consolidation of groups larger than three. pete, veronica, and larry were designated to be combined into a single person, and each received a notice to be ready for the process when building 749632’s turn came. the nature and purpose of the process were not described in detail but simply as a “quality of life and efficiency upgrade”. daphne, as the inhabitant of the twenty-eighth apartment and odd person out on the twenty-first floor of building 749632, received a notice to be prepared for relocation. the notice gave no indication of the purpose of the relocation or the whereabouts of the new location. upon receiving their notices, it did not occur to either pete or larry to contact each other or veronica to discuss or speculate on the “upgrade”. pete loved the whole human race and assumed that the “upgrade” would work out for the best. larry, of course, hated the whole human race and assumed the worst, but he always assumed the worst about everything. veronica and daphne decided to get together - actually physically face to face in veronica’s room and talk about it. daphne baked a dozen chocolate chip cookies to bring to veronica’s room for the meeting. to be continued

749632 - 2. veronica and daphne

by red jones

part two of ?


to read episode #1, click here

veronica mordaunt, number 7609-7854-3381-0605, lived across the hall from pete evans in apartment 21-26 daphne huggins, number 7609-7854-3381-0604, lived across the hall from larry payne in apartment 21-28. unlike pete and larry, veronica and daphne were best friends and communicated freely with other, although they hardly ever came face to face or occupied the same physical space. neither veronica nor daphne had much use for tv shows or movies or novels or comic books or history or science or old time religion. veronica did occasionally read and write poetry, but only in the service of revolutionary ideals and regarded any kind of poetry not dedicated to such ideals with contempt. daphne, though also an ardent revolutionary in her way, had little use for poetry or any art except art that could be reproduced on posters and t-shirts. she was also an ardent student of the ancient art of cooking, although the opportunities to practice what she learned were limited in building 749632 of city 607432 veronica was mauve and daphne was gray. next

749632 - 1. pete and larry

by red jones

part one of ?

note: this novel will be written in the year 3065 by red jones. it has been recovered by professor wolfgang x of gottesburg from the black hole at the center of the alcyoneus galaxy and translated by laura peterson gillhammer. the cultural refrences contained in the novel have been adjusted to make them comprehensible to a 21st century audience. every effort has been made to retain the spirit of the original novel. pete evans and larry payne lived in apartments beside each other on the 21st floor of building 749632 of city 607432 in continent 2-a. pete’s number was 7609-7854-3381-0604 and he lived in apartment 21-25 and larry’s number was 7609-7854-3381-0606 and he lived in apartment 21-27. they never spoke to each other on their infrequent encounters in the hallway. they had some things in common, others not so much. pete liked star wars and larry liked star trek. gene autry was pete’s favorite movie star and bette davis was larry’s favorite movie star. sherlock holmes was pete’s favorite fictional character, and emma bovary was larry’s favorite fictional character. amerigo vespuccii was pete’s favorite historical character, and tamerlane was larry’s favorite historical character.. albert einstein was pete’s favorite scientist, and alan turing was larry’s favorite scientist. kim kardashian was pete’s favorite reality star and khloe kardashian was larry’s favorite. rudyard kipling and ella wheeler wilcox were pete’s favotite poets and charles bukowski and john dryden were larry’s favorite poets. st peter was pete’s favorite preacher and aimee semple macpherson was larry’s favorite preacher. they both liked blueberry pancakes with tofu syrup for breakfast, though pete occasionally varied his diet with a cheese omelette. they both exercised two hours in the morning, and two hours in the afternoon. so you see, they both had a lot in common and also differed in many ways. there was one way in particular that they greatly differed. pete loved the whole human race, and larry hated the whole human race. next

the creature

by bofa xesjum

the creature made its way steadily across the virgin plain. paxton watched through his brown leather binoculars with a beating heart. he had been dreading this moment for his whole nartural life. suddenly the creature stopped. it seemed to be listening to something. it turned and ran swiftly back into the gray shadows. anything wrong, paxton? ogleby’s voice came piercingly into paxton’s headphones. just a temporary setback, paxton mumbled unconvincingly. i will mark it on your file. paxton did not ask how any marks he now had on his file, or how many more he was allowed. he knew. he was born knowing. and now the creature was gone. it had been his best chance and now it was gone.

utopian grit, part 1

by bofa xesjum

part 1 of ?

mister blue had reached the highest echelon of success through his grit, determination, and hard work. but number 5’s xenophobia was still an obstacle to be hurdled. miss black kept her mouth closed on the sensitive subject. william wilson was secretly an unrepentant xenophobe himself. it was all beeswax to lady violet. the momentum had shifted, number 33 mused. nobody said a word when 713-5 strode into the board room. it was a less than utopian scene. utopian indeed, ignatius sunset chuckled grimly to himself. maria wang thought it was all wallpaper. and that the board room was overpopulated. the echelons were not as clearly delineated as they used to be. the old guard kept their own counsel. so did the old clown, down in the boiler room. the clown had done yeoman service through the decades. 713-5’s vision of the future had never rung quite true. but the proles. led by 830-7, loved him, or so it seemed. the walls looked down and were silent. but it seemed to karl marx that a significant milestone had been reached. the old guard seemed to agree. their opprobrium was palpable. ahmed ying had lost his momentum. uncle ike hobo’s hold on his place on the ladder trembled in the balance. gentlemen, beware the old guard! today we have reached peak, 713-5 growled, breaking the silence, outside the window overlooking the immaculatately tended lawn, a bee buzzed. counselors, beware the old guard! to be continued

pete and daisy

by bofa xesjum

pete clark, a barbarian who had never been young, scanned the crowd looking for a victim. out of the corner of his eye he saw daisy wilson, a grandmother from the depths of miles away. under the periphery of the universe that specialized in jokes, he just could not forbear envisioning her obsolescence. quietly - pete was always the quiet type - he held a meeting in his head with his loyal underdemons of terror. pete wsasunaware that officer quiglet was expectantly following his every kinesis. you do not even know what kinesis means, king john, his number one demon, whispered in his cranium. do so, pete thought back explosively. suffer the lost ladies, king john replied evasively. all - all - all -the word, and the world, tumbled through pete’s imploding edification. pete and king john and officer quiglet went back a long way. but daisy was something new - or was she? is anything, or anybody, really new? a nightingale descended on daisy’s shoulder. suddenly pete remembered a joke his grandfather had told him - the first joke he had ever heard. it was a revelation - before that he had never known what a jpke was. an apple was walking own the road, looking for a new hat. but the road was empty, except for an undertaker in a black coat, leading a giraffe on a long leash. with a leash that long, you might as well let the poor beast run wild, the apple said to the undertaker. there might be some truth to that, the undertaker readily agreed. the undertaker let the giraffe go and it ran off over the hills. the apple and the undertaker were left alone with what was left of the joke. pete woke up. daisy was gone. she had gone to alaska with officer quiglet and the undertaker to find the giraffe, who was wanted for murder in the first degree. they had left pete behind as there was no room for him in the limousine. but had they really gone to alaska? maybe they had gone to zanzibar instead. the road stretched out before poor pete. i need an infusion of reality, he thought. before the highway patrol comes along. the rhinoceros is the most dangerous animal in africa, at least it was when the world was young. save it for the judge. there will be a hot time in the old town tonight. for the oranges, not for the apples.

the store

by fred flynn

you will eat in the cafeteria, the same cafeteria as the customers. of course. what is on the menu today? hot dogs, same as any other day, and chili dogs on sunday. how many do i get? it depends on how much you sell. read the contract. i will. but right now i need a nap. all right. but be ready to work as soon as you wake up. the employees dormitory was, naturally, in the middle of the store, along with the cafeteria and the human resources department. when htd-45 woke up, he had trouble getting his socks on his feet. he went outside the store to give himself more room. but he had more and more trouble getting the socks on, and drifted further and further away from the store, and found himself in an abandoned part of the city with empty buildings and cracked sidewalks. somehow he finally got his socks and shoes on and made it back to the store. but the day was already half gone and he had not made a single sale. in the store, employees did not stand behind a counter and wait for customers to select items themselves and bring them to the counter for purchase. the employees circulated among the customers and encouraged them to buy the items on the shelves. the employees then received points based on the number and value of the purchased items. htd-45 was not very good at this. that shoehorn is one of our best items, madam. i don’t wear shoes. this set of colored balloons is perfect for all occasions, but especially office parties. i don’t work in an office. everybody should own one of these back scratchers. they are the talk of the town. i am not everybody. and so forth. how did i ever come to this? htd-45 thought despairingly. is this my destiny? suddenly he woke up. what a strange dream! he was not a clerk in some strange store in a distant dimension - he was an adjunct professor of ninth generation marxism at the university of a————. he had fallen asleep at his desk in his office , and his devoted students were waiting in classroom 75. he got up hurriedly and gathered his notes together. his trailing tendrils almost got caught in the door as he exited into the corridor.