that's what i'm talking about

by bofa xesjum

sometimes i think i would like to go far away - far away, where no one has ever gone before. how about you? i bet you would like to go far away too. wouldn’t you? wouldn’t you like to be anybody else except who you are? wouldn’t you like to wake up in the morning, not to your miserable room in the city that you probably have to share with somebody - your boring wife and your whining demanding kids - and wake up instead to a glittering desert in a distant galaxy with a ruby-turreted kingdom shimmering on the horizon, just waiting for you to conquer it? wouldn’t you rather be walking down a dark street in a mysterious city, mysterious as all hell yourself, in a black cape and a top hat and swinging a gold-headed walking stick, and the most beautiful woman in the universe appears out of the shadows and asks you to please help her? wouldn’t you rather do that than get on the bus and go to your job across town stocking the shelves of a supermarket with jars of peanut butter and family size bags of potato chips? what was that? you wouldn’t like that at all? well, excuse me, i was just trying to be friendly. say what? you are grateful that you are married to the most wonderful woman in the world and you have three wonderful children that you could not be prouder of? well, that’s great , brother. adam is gong to play second base in little league this year. and clara just got braces - she doesn’t like them, but she is being a trooper about it. and jenny - that’s your wife - she does a great job with the kids even wth all her allergies. i like it. that’s all good, my man. but that is enough about you, let’s talk about me. i knew when i was born that i was different, that i wasn’t going to be just another schmuck. i made the football team. i was going to be the quarterback on the football team. i beat out the mayor’s son , but the mayor called the coach and you can just guess what happened next. can you believe that shit? but that’s life for you. later that night, me and my gang - i had a gang, a couple of guys who did everything i told them to - went out and got completely shitfaced. we were walking down by the river. tony - he was my number one lieutenant - fell flat on his face in the mud. he was just lying there. i said to him, tony, you asshole, get up, you are not fooling anybody - suddenly a great light filled the sky- it was a fucking spaceship. it was me they wanted, not tony or buster. so i got in and they took me away. they took me to this planet, and hey had this war going on. the war had been going on for a million years. there were two sides - i couldn’t pronounce their names. the assholes versus the dickheads, or some shit. i called them the yankees and the red sox. both sides had tried everything. dragons, death rays, flying saucers, ten thousand megaton bombs, you name it. but neither side could break through. finally the empress of the yankees and the empress of the red sox got together and agreed on one final battle to settle things once and for all. each of them would search through the whole universe for a gladiator, a champion, to meet in the arena and may the best man win. the empress of the yankees found me before the empress of the red sox did, so i was her champion and i took care of her business in more ways than one, as you might guess. the empress of the red sox came up with this character from mars or someplace and he weighed about six hundred pounds and looked like a combination forklift and octopus. but he was no match for me and i whipped that lonesome cowboy without taking a deep breath. i went through his sorry ass like patton going through berlin into russia. so i won the war for the yankees and as you can well imagine there was a big parade and a lot of singing and dancing and a good time was had by all, now you might think the story ended there, but my troubles were only beginning. the empress of the yankees had this pretty boy who had been her bodyguard but he had weaseled out of getting in the arena with the red sox guy and naturally the empress of the yankees was ready to show me her sincere appreciation. so the pretty boy bodyguard who also had some name i couldn’t pronounce but i called him meatball champagne, he was jealous and he got in with some of the yankee and red sox politicians who were dicking around with so called peace talks and he got a knife into my back and so here i am back on good old planet earth where i have not exactly had a hero’s welcome, let me tell you, because that’s what i am talking about. well, my friend, i see i am starting to bore you, so i bid you good day. i hope your little girl gets to like her braces better. i am sorry you could not see your way to helping a guy out, but you know your own priorities best. have a nice day.