fred and myrna and the twins

by bofa xesjum

the world is divided into two kinds of people - upward-lookers and downward-lookers. oliver and olivia were twins. they expressed themselves differently, especially to the world. myrna mcgonigle was their governess. a strange fate befell her when she was hired for the job. many people have similar experiences. they think their path through life is as smooth as a silk purse lost by the rosdside - and then… returning to our original theme, olivia was an upward-looker and oliver was a downward-looker. myrna quickly divined that the twins were different, from most of the human race, and from each other. simply put, upward-lookers look at the human race and are resentful that anybody ranks above them or that anybody has any advantage over them - even if the anybody is only one or two people. and downward lookers look at the human race and are grateful or relieved that they are not the people who rank below them and whom they have any advantage over. fred johnson was the handy man around the fifty room castle that oliver and olivia and their parents and assorted aunts and uncles and cousins, most of them completely mad, inhabited. myrna was very much an upward-looker herself , like 92 percent of the human race. fred johnson, under an outwardly placid demeanor, was a rather vicious individual. except when he was talking to his aunt jennifer on the phone, as he did every saturday afternoon, saturday afternoon and evening being the only times he was not “on call” by the members of the family. there were times, increasingly frequent, when fred felt he had just about enough. myrna dimly understood fred - he was a lot like her own father and seven brothers. * myrna was wearing a quizzical expression on her face one day, after a trying morning with the twins, when she encountered fred lurching along one of the castle’s labyrinthine corridors. i’m late! fred exclaimed, as he rushed past myrna, who was happy he had not stopped to talk. in another room of the castle, olivia was giving poor oliver the business, as she did when they were left alone, so that myrna could walk around the castle grounds, make herself a cup of tea, or otherwise occupy herself for her allotted fifteen minutes. what are you two silly willies doing? a voice suddenly interrupted the twins. it was aunt fair rosalind, the third dottiest of all the aunts. behold fair rosalind, the fairest of them all, who dances in the rain and feels no pain. olivia pierced fair rosalind with her most withering glance. if we are being silly willies, what is it to you, you withered hag, who drinketh from a cup of woe, which overflowed long long ago. gosh, rosalind retorted, aren’t we the scandalous ones this fine afternoon? i was only trying to be friendly, one of the girls, as they say under the boardwalk.. you look lovely today, rosalind, oliver, always one to calm troubled waters, observed politely. permit me to commend you for a gallant lad, rosalind replied, with a savage toss of her head toward olivia. may i be so inquisitive as to enquire the subject of your morning lessons? we learned a great deal, oliver said, especially about the ancient parthians and scythians, peoples who have not inspired a great deal of fascination in the world lately. king scyla of scythia, oliver continued, had a great enthusiasm for greek culture, and this caused his downfall, and his execution by his philistine brother octamasadas. those with beautiful souls end badly more often than not, rosalind agreed. * perhaps, myrna thought as she finished her cup of tea, preparatory to returning to the twins, things might have been different. just at that moment fred johnson, breathless from exertion, arrived at the door of cousin walker’s room. fortunately, the door was open, so fred did not have to waste precious seconds knocking on it. getting up slowly from his cavernous red easy chair with stuffing sticking out from it in a hundred directions, cousin walker turned his baleful gaze on poor panting fred. it should perhaps be noted that cousin walker was wearing only a top hat, a red clown nose, and khaki shorts with enormous pockets. seems you are a little bit late, eh, fred? i came as fast as i could, sir, fred gasped, through the red haze of his murderous rage. you are pathetic, cousin walker sneered, completely pathetic. all fred wanted to say was, you look kind of silly yourself, but he needed the job. what was it that you wanted, sir, fred managed to say in a properly respectful tone. i have forgotten, completely forgotten, thanks to your being late, cousin walker replied snappishly. then may i be excused, sir? yes, that will be all. fred turned to go, buffeted by a red tidal wave of rage and a green monsoon of relief. somehow, he mused, i may have gotten through another day. * every time myrna thought she had the twins safely under control, disaster struck. i wonder what happened, she sighed inwardly, seeing the steely glint in olivia’s eye. you look a bit aggrieved, olivia, myrna ventured to say, did something happen to upset you? cousin fair rosalind was here, oliver explained. she was here most of the time you were on your tea break. i should have known it was something like that, myrna reflected. without getting her fifteen minutes to abuse and torment oliver, her natural orneriness gets bottled up and will have to find some other outlet - like me. how about a game of charades? myrna asked the twins. in the past, charades had sometimes proved an effective outlet for olivia’s steam. but not today. charades! exclaimed olivia, you know what you can do with your idiotic charades! and your other foolish games and your useless knowledge and your fake gentility and your simpering obsequiousness and your unfathomable righteous ignorance! bah, bah, bah! i hardly think such an outburst is germane to the situation, myrna responded with a game attempt at a merry laugh. i think a game of charades sounds rather jolly, said oiiver. the afternoon dragged on interminably. it seemed to myrna that it was a shame she could not live one day, or one hour, in a less than totally insane world. oliver will probably find his destiny fulfilled as a country vicar. despite innumerable obstacles, myrna will shuffle along somehow. but for olivia and fred johnson, those children of rage and the night, all will be lost.