the red queen's revenge and the white dog

by bofa xesjum

the little white dog ran down the street, and the parlormaid watched it from the window. the housekeeper called sharply to the parlormaid, and the parlormaid returned with a sigh to her duties. the parlormaid had laid the silverware out, but had interrupted her polishing of it to look at the little white dog running down the street. her majesty is in a particularly foul mood today, the housekeeper informed the parlormaid, as foul as i have ever seen her. so i strongly suggest you give these forks and spoons a thorough good cleaning and brushup. is she now? the parlormaid replied sulkily. well, boo on her, says i. she is not really a queen, you know. isn’t she now, miss? and what leads you to that conclusion, if i may be so bold as to ask? because everything is an illusion, replied the parlormaid. everything. that i am a parlormaid polishing the silverware, that you are the housekeeper supervising me as i polish the silverware, that madam is a queen, all these things are so only because they are believed to be so. really now? really. just then the queen entered the parlor. well then, the housekeeper said to the parlormaid, why don’t you repeat to madam what you just told me. gladly. and without pausing in her polishing of a soup spoon, the parlormaid repeated, word for word, the observatioms she had previously vouchsafed to the housekeeper. what do you think of all that, madam? the housekeeper said to the queen with a smirk. the queen paused. i think she is quite correct, she finally said. everything we do is a charade, and a damned dull one at that. do you think so? the housekeeper asked. yes. there is absolutely no reason i should be a queen, she a parlormaid, and you a housekeeper. what should we be then? enquired the housekeeper. i think that after we finish tea, the queen replied, we should all three assume new lives and new identities, and take to the high road in search of adventure. what do you say? that is a splendid idea, the parlormaid agreed. i could not think of a better one myself. what say you? she asked the housekeeper after a moment’s hesitation, the housekeeper said, count me in. i suggest, said the parlormaid, that we let polly, the milkmaid, in on the excursion. i am sure she would enjoy it. the more the merrier, the queen agreed. and so at dusk, the intrepid quartet, the queen, the parlormaid, the housekeeper , and polly the milkmaid set out. soon they came to a truck stop, with several big rigs parked beside it. four rowdy fellows were seated at an outside table, enjoying the evening breeze, a few cool ones, and cheeseburgers and fries. whitey smith was hauling a load of apples to the big city, along with his helper, known only as doggie. they were joined at the table by gus brown, who was starting a cross country trip to pittsburgh with a consignment of red white and blue paper napkins, and rick richards , a local layabout with no permanent address. look here , the parlormaid addressed whitey smith, we are looking for transport to the big city. do you think you can oblige any or all of us? i can use two of you, whitey answered, if you are willing to ride in the back of the truck and help unload my apples when we get there. it was agreed that the parlormaid and the queen would ride with whitey and doggie, and when whitey and doggie had finished their beers they set out. gus brown agreed to give the housekeeper a lift as far as sparks nevada, and they too departed, leaving polly the milkmaid at the table with rick richards. i am not sure i have anything for you, babe, rick advised polly, but if you want to wait for me, i am going to see a man about a certain proposition which might be beneficial to both of us. polly agreed, and purchased a cup of decaf and a raspberry danish and sat down to wait for rick. she decided she would give him an hour, and if he did not show up, she would start hitchhiking in the general direction of the big city, where she might rejoin the queen and the parlormaid. as she was waiting, a little white dog approached the table and looked at her expectantly. there were some scraps left over from the cheeseburgers and polly tossed them to the dog. it devoured them and ran off into the night.

the naughty girls

by bofa xesjum

“you have been a couple of very naughty girls," said the duke. "but i have something here which will teach you to mind your manners." mr osgood thought he heard something at his window. he did not think it was rain, as he had checked the weather forecast before making his evening sandwich, as he always did. he carefully placed his french novel, face down with the pages open, on the wide arm of his comfortable chair. he got up and went to the window. he lifted the shade and looked out. he could not see anything, but it was difficult to tell with the light from his tall lamp reflecting in the window. rather than return to his chair and turn the lamp off, which seemed to him somehow ridiculous, he went to the front door and opened it. it was not raining, and he stepped out and walked slowly around the side of the house to the window at which he thought he heard something. he neither saw nor heard anything, and feeling relieved but a bit foolish - he could hear his late wife saying, what an old woman you are, albert - he returned to the front of the house. and noticed a car pulled up in front of the house, on the opposite side of the street. had it been there before? it took a couple of seconds for his brain to register that it was a police car, and then two policepersons stepped out of it. a man and a woman. they both looked familiar. mr osgood did watch television on occasion, although he did not enjoy television shows nearly as much as he enjoyed french novels, and he knew what the police were like. the woman was a good looking blonde, with a no-nonsense look on her face. she would be in charge . the man was a big moon-faced dufus. he would be her foil. “do you have a problem, sir?” the woman asked mr osgood. “it appears to be nothing, officer,” mr osgood replied. “ i thought i heard a noise at my window, and came out to check, but nothing seems to be amiss. it might have been a bird.” “there are not too many birds around at this time of year, sir,” the woman replied. “do you mind if we look around, sir?” the man asked, in a somewhat squeaky voice. “no of course not,“ mr osgood told him. he started to add, it is your job, isn’t it? but thought better of it. the two police officers produced small but powerful flashlights and began walking around the house, pointing the flashlights around randomly . mr osgood was afraid they might trample the flower garden which he had neglected since his wife died, but thankfully they seemed to ignore it. the pair returned in a few minutes, snapping off their flashlights. “do you mind if we look around inside, sir?” the man asked. “just to be on the safe side.” “we do not have a warrant to search your premises, sir,” the woman added. “but we would appreciate it if you would invite us in.” “no, come in by all means,” mr osgood answered with his best smile. did they really think he was going to refuse them? the two officers followed him into the house. the woman made straight for mr osgood’s chair and picked up the french novel lying flat on its arm. “what have we here?” she said. she picked it up and began to read - “you have been a couple of very naughty girls," said the duke. "but i have something here which will teach you to mind your manners." miranda began to whimper. cecily covered her eyes in shame. just then there was a knock on the door. “who can that be”? the duke muttered grimly. “stay right here, you two.” he got up from his armchair and marched to the door and flung it open. it was mrs nottingham, the neighborhood busybody and the president of the neighborhood improvement association. “do you mind keeping the noise down?” mrs nottingham demanded of the duke. “this is the third night in a row there have been complaints.” “why, you damned old cow,” the duke began , but his attention was diverted - for miranda and cecily had taken the opportunity to turn into birds, and flew over his shoulder and out the door over mrs nottingham’s head and into the night . they flew over mr osgood’s house. “it was a shame what happened to poor mrs osgood,” miranda said, “we should look in on mr osgood and see if he is suffering from any guilt.” “that is a good idea,” cecily agreed. mr osgood thought he heard something at his window. he did not think it was rain, as he had checked the weather forecast before making his evening sandwich, as he always did. he went to the front door and opened it. it was not raining, and he stepped out and walked slowly around the side of the house to the window at which he thought he heard something. he neither saw nor heard anything, and feeling a bit foolish he returned to the front of the house. and noticed a car pulled up in front of the house, on the opposite side of the street. had it been there before? it was a police car, and then two policepersons , a man and a woman, stepped out of it. “do you have a problem, sir?” the woman asked mr osgood.

stephen

by bofa xesjum

stephen had studied hard for the test. it was a test for applicants for entry level positions at the department of inspections. stephen took the test because he hoped to improve his lot, and to provide a better home for himself and for his ailing mother, and for his two younger siblings, both of whom had problems. the test was administered in a large classroom with forty desks spaced far enough apart to make copying another applicant’s answers difficult. the test was not at all what stephen expected, or what he had studied so hard for. the first and only question was: are you a ham and egger? yes or no. if you answered no, explain in between two hundred and a thousand words, why you are not. if you answered yes, then either a) you wish to not be a ham and egger, or b) you are happy with being a ham and egger if you answered a) explain in between two hundred and a thousand words, what steps you plan to take to improve yourself and no longer be a ham and egger if you answered b) explain in between two hundred and a thousand words, why you are proud to be a ham and egger and why you do not wish to change after some hesitation, stephen wrote the following: i reject the concept of “ham and egger”. i do not think people should be classified in this manner, or in any manner. i think that all human beings, and all living creatures, are children of the universe, and that each has a role to play in the unfolding of the universe. the bee hovering over a flower, the ant patiently carrying his crumb, the cab driver cruising a dark lonely street, the student baffled over his first year calculus book, the deli cook making a tuna salad sandwich, the nobel prize winning scientist probing the mysteries of dark matter, the gorilla in the zoo contemplating the child contemplating him, are all notes in the swelling symphony of reality. all deserve respect, and none should be degraded by labels, no matter how “humorously” intended. yesterday, as i sat in the park, attempting to study for this examination, i saw a rabbit on the green grass, two pigeons in the gravel walk at my feet, a squirrel scurrying up a tree, and an old woman slowly pushing a small cart with a paper bag in it which i assumed contained groceries but might have contained several volumes of the encyclopedia brittanica. none of them asked me if i were a “ham and egger.” i hope these words can be taken constructively, in the spirit in which they are offered, and not as a criticism of anybody’s motives. having finished his text, stephen pressed “send” on his monitor, and got up and left the classroom. of the forty applicants, he was the seventh to finish. when stephen got outside the building, he blinked in the sunlight for a second. the he noticed a group of about a dozen people across the street, each holding a bow and arrow. stephen thought he recognized robin hood, william tell, annie oakley, and calamity jane, but in any case they all brought up their bows and fired at him, filling his body with arrows and killing him instantly.

jennifer and her garden

by bofa xesjum

jennifer loved her garden more than anything in the world. it was her whole life, especially after her father, general morrison, died, and jennifer did not have much else to do except work in the garden. jennifer was the general’s only child, and he had no other close relatives. jennifer had been the general’s devoted slave all her life, and she inherited all his money, and he had a lot of money. people in town wondered if jennifer, old as she was, would marry someone but she showed no interest in anything but her garden, although she did make an occasional showing at the mayor’s ball and the fireman’s ball and other such events. there were two big houses on the hill. jennifer lived in one of them with her dog and three servants. the higginsons had lived in the other big house on the hill since the town had been founded. but when old judge higginson died, his daughter, who had been living in the big city for years, packed old mrs higginson off to a nursing home, and sold the big house. the house was sold to a young couple of outsiders who had made their money god knows how in the crazy modern world that good christian folk do not even want to know about. their name was davidson - aaron and fleur davidson - and they had a little boy named jonah, and he was the nastiest little boy in the world. one day, about a week after the davidsons moved into the old higginson place, little jonah walked across the road separating the two estates. it was a nice early summer day, and jennifer was busy in her garden as usual. jonah walked right up to the garden and stared in his nasty way at jennifer as she knelt in the dirt. “good morning, little fellow,” jennifer addressed jonah cheerily. “what are doing?” jonah asked. “why, i am turning the dirt over and getting ready to plant some flowers. i thought i would plant some marigolds, or maybe some periwinkles. which do you like better, marigolds or periwinkles?” “i don’t like any stupid flowers. flowers are stupid.” “oh my, that is not a very positive attitude for a little boy. look at those crocuses over there, that i planted in the winter. aren’t they pretty? didn’t they come out nicely?” “no, they are stupid. and you are stupid, you old bag. why are you taking up space on the planet, you old hag?” jennifer chose not to hear that. “why do you think my crocuses came out so nicely. hmmm?” “i know why your stupid flowers came up so nicely. do you want me to tell you why your flowers came up so nicely?” “yes, indeed, i would be curious to know your views on the subject.” “it’s because you have some bodies buried under there! ha, ha, ha!” and with that joshua ran off, leaving jennifer with her upturned dirt and her marigold seeds. that night joshua told his mother about his suspicions of the old lady across the road. when his mother laughed at him, joshua grew angry and demanded that she notify the police of his suspicions. if she did not, he announced, he would go to the police station and report his suspicions himself - and maybe tell the police that she, his mother, might also be involved in the burial of the bodies. “all right, jonah,” his mother sighed. “i will call the sheriff and report your suspicions.” and she did. sheriff pete brady was not inclined to take the information too seriously, but with his deputy, lester landry, it was another story. the first words out of lester’s mouth, when the sheriff smilingly relayed the phone call, were “betty brown!” betty brown had been the prettiest girl in town, and had disappeared many years ago. everybody in town, except lester landry, assumed she had run off to hollywood or broadway or joined the circus, but lester was convinced she had met with foul play. lester badgered sheriff pete on the subject, and just to shut him up, the sheriff agreed to get an order to dig up jennifer’s garden. jennifer fought back. she hired frank cartwright, the town’s preeminent lawyer, to fight the order obtained by the sheriff. the case entered the courts and dragged on for decades. jennifer grew too old to tend to her garden herself, and could only sit in a wicker chair and supervise the hired man as he worked in it under her supervision. jonah went to law school, and when he came home he was elected to the town council and then became the youngest mayor in the town’s history. he and lester landry continued to fight to have jennifer’s garden dug up, and frank cartwright continued to battle back. the case was featured in a national television show about mysterious and unsolved crimes, and began attracting curious visitors to the town. finally the state supreme court ruled in jonah and lester’s favor. when the united states supreme oourt declined to hear frank cartwright’s final appeal, a date was set to dig up the garden. a lot of reporters and a few television stations turned up for the event, on a cold drizzly morning. the garden was dug up. betty brown’s body was not found, nor were any other bodies. but something else was found. a hidden passageway to the headquarters of the grunks, an underground race who had been secretly ruling the earth for tens of thousands of years. with the discovery of the grunks, nothing was ever the same again. humans now understood that everything they had ever believed was untrue. the grunks declared all the governments of earth null and void, and now ruled openly, through an appointed human satrap. jonah davidson was appointed satrap, and became the day to day ruler of all the humans on earth. the town became the center of all human activity, and grew into a huge metropolis of over a hundred million people. jennifer was heartbroken over the loss of her garden, and did not care much for the great new city that had sprung up all around her old family home. she passed away peacefully soon afterwards, and jonah had a marker placed on her grave. it read: here lies old lady morrision, an old hag who took up too much space on the planet.

the runaways

by bofa xesjum

betty brown was the prettiest girl in littletown. everybody liked her. she had a very nice smile. and a kind heart, especially for cats and dogs and raccoons. her grandmother taught her to bake pies and cakes and cupcakes. she liked lemonade, especially in the summertime. miss quinlan, the drama teacher at the high school, encouraged betty to try out for the lead part in the school play. melissa jones also tried out for the part. you can just guess what happened next. it was kind of inevitable. when miss quinlan chose betty for the part over melissa, melissa’s friends were outraged. betty herself was surprised, as melissa was a passionate student of the drama, and she, betty , had only tried out in order to humor miss quinlan, and betty conceded that melissa was much the better actress. in vain did miss quinlan try to pour oil on the waters by pointing out that melissa’s part - of the dominating matriarch - was the real lead - and that betty was only the ingenue. melissa’s supporters were having none of it, and neither was melissa. betty offered to give up the part to melissa, if she “really wanted it that bad.” this was not good enough for melissa and her friends, or for melissa’s staunchest supporter - her mother. melissa’s mother let it be known that she had demanded that the school fire miss quinlan, and perhaps put the little schemer betty on some sort of probation. my, my, mrs henderson, the school principal exclamed to mr filson, the assistant principal, i thought we only had these kind of problems with the cheerleaders. it’s all very strange, mr filson agreed. i don’t know what this world is coming to. i have an idea, mrs henderson said to mr filson. how do you mean? mr filson replied absently. let us forego our dreary existences in this turgid backwater, and run away and join the circus. mr filson stopped doing his crossword puzzle. is that possible in this day and age? he asked mrs henderson. what day and age might that be? mrs henderson retorted. as far as i am concerned it is always the year zero. be that as it may, mr filson said, i don’t think my wife would be too happy about it. my understanding is that she would be overjoyed to see you go. do you really think so? i know so. she expressly told me so herself. and so mrs henderson and mr filson ran away and joined the circus. they worked up a most excellent knife throwing act, combining laughs and thrills in equal measure. mrs henderson threw the knives, and got most of the good lines, wth mr filson being the straight man. sometimes in the winter, or when the circus business was slow, they did their act on the stage, usually third or fourth bill. one night ,in joplin missouri, they were on the bill with a singing and comedy act called ma johnson and her two lovely daughters. imagine their amazement when ma johnson turned out to be none other than miss quinlan, and her two lovely daughters were betty brown and melissa jones! how about that? it just goes to show you that you never know. the fivesome had a great time swapping yarns and badmouthing the squares back in littletown, before it was time for ma johnson and her two lovely daughters to go on. they knocked them dead. because that’s show biz!