a story

by bofa xesjum

this is just a story, but maybe it really happened too. this guy was walking down the street. suddenly his heart skipped a beat. he saw this babe. whoaa!!! and he’s like, i know this lady is out of my league, if you know what i man, but it’s like he’s been shot in the brain with a nuclear missile from outer space. he knows it’s against the rules and all, especially in this so-called modern age, but he can’t help himself, he starts following this chick, just to check her out, you know what i mean, just to see where she’s going. she’s walking down this street the guy was walking down, just an ordinary street with ordinary people, you know what i mean, wth a mcdonalds and a burger king, and a cvs, and so forth, and she doesn’t look back or look around, and everybody she walks past turns around and looks at her, and goes whoa, especially the menfolk but the ladies too, with hate in their hearts, if you know what i mean., bit she just keeps trucking on, like she’s 100 percent used to it. and this guy thinks, hey, maybe this lady could use a bodyguard, if you know what i mean, and maybe i could be her bodyguard. it’s just a thought he has. and then she turns a corner and this guy follows her and now they are not on an ordinary street with mcdonalds and such any more, but on a street filled with tall apartments with doormen in front of them and long black limousines parked in front of them and probably a million security guards patrolling the corridors inside them if you know what i mean. the babe stops at one of the buildings and starts talking to the doorman. this guy, the guy i was telling you about, he thinks, uh-oh, i shouldn’t be walking down this street, somebody is going to stop me and ask for my i d, but then he thinks hey i am just as good as anybody, so what the fuck. and he keeps on walking, and sure enough just when he gets to where the babe is talking to the doorman, an nfl linebacker in a black suit and white shirt and black tie men in black uniform pops out from one of the parked long black limousines waving a phone in his hand like he is getting to call headquarters and call in the heilcopters and says, hey buddy let’s see some i d. and you will never guess what happens next! the babe says to the linebacker, it’s all right, jarvis, he is with me. and the linebacker says, yes ms delmont, and puts his phone goes back in his pocket and goes back to his post, wherever that was. now ms delmont says to the doorman, well, thank you so much, jenkins, you have a nice day. and she nods to the guy, the guy i was telling you about, who followed her down the street, and they go inside and they wait for the elevator and get on it when it comes. nobody else is in the elevator, and it starts to go up, and it is so quiet in the elevator the guy can hear the red cells and the white cells in the blood in his eyeballs having a nice conversation, and the elevatot is so smooth it feels like it is not even moving but he sees the numbers over the door flashing 8… 9…10…11… and ms delmont says to him…. i knew you were following me the whole time… but that’s all right, because i know you’re the man for me… so they get to ms delmont’s room, and it is not exactly what the guy expects, it’s not a voodoo boudoooir with a big pink bed and ten thousand pillows, it looks like an office, wth a big desk, and big screens on] the walls. ms delmont sits down at the desk, and says to the guy, i want you to do me a favor. i would do anything for you, he says, and go anywhere to do it. that’s so sweet. i really appreciate it. but you don’t have to go anywhere, just down the hall. here’s what you do, just go down the hall, to room 505. knock on the door and say you are room service. got that? a man will answer the door. and then what? do i shoot him? no, you don’t have to shoot him. just give him this message - “there is mo more coal in the center of the earth, not even in saudi arabia.” can you remember that, or do you want me to write it down? um, maybe you better write it down. all right. she writes something on a little notepad, and gives it to him. and then what happens? he should drop dead. but come back here and tell me, whether he does or not. will i get arrested for murder or anything like that? no, why would you? why all the questions, i thought you were my friend, and would do anything for me? > all right, all right, i’ll do it. so he takes the note, and tries to memorize it, and goes down the hall like she says and i is a long hall but he finds room 505, and knocks on the door. who is it? a guy’s voice. room service. i didn’t order room service. now what? um - i got a note here that says you did. the door opens and there’s a guy standing there, with a drink in his hand. he looks familiar. billy mckinley! his old pal mckinley, that he was in a band with, and played softball with, back in topeka kansas back in the day! this is a surprise, and he forgets all about ms delmont, and coal in saudi arabia or whatever , and billy steps aside and he goes in and billy gets him a drink. and that is the last thing he remembers …. until he wakes up in a strange room… not ms delmont’s office or billy's room but a crummy room in some hotel or motel somewhere. he can’t tell if it is day or night. he is alone. there is no sign of billy mckinley or ms delmont or anybody else. there is an old beat up dresser on the other side of the room. there is a note on it that just says - thanks for all your help. he can’t tell if it’s from billy or ms delmont or the pope or the queen of england. and along with the note is a check. for ten million dollars! now, you might think that was a pretty crazy story, but it was all true. and how do i know it was true? because i was that guy! (this guy) and what, you might ask, did i do with the check for ten million dollars? that is a whole other story.