novel 83 - 10. the fireplace

by nick nelson

part ten of ?

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it was getting cold in the old house beside the abandoned highway. ima joker, seated in the enormous stuffed armchair in the middle of the room, stared at the cold dark fireplace. we should build a fire, he announced for the third time . with what? meiinda nightingale asked acerbicly. do you know how? sally turk aded. ima glanced at quintessential robinson as if for help, but quintessential, seated on the floor below the cracked window, ignored him. good question, ima replied wearily to sally. they lapsed into silence. outside, a dog barked. it did not sound like a very big dog. i wish that was a wolf and it howled, ima said. why? sally asked. it would make things a little more dramatic. nobody responded. after a while, quintessential got up, stretched, and went out the front door. where is he going? melinda asked. nobody answered. is he coming back? sally asked. you ask too many questions , ima pronounced. meliinda looked over at sally. sally and melinda wondered if ima was going t o get up and follow quintessential. but he made no move to do so. he continued to stare at the cold fireplace. the minutes crawled by. quintessential did not return. finally they heard a car coming down the highway. that had better be koji, ima announced. melinda laughed. what if it is not? sally asked. to be continued

novel 83 - 9. new assignment

by nick nelson

part nine of ?

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suddenly omar’s phone rang. simultaneously gena’s phone rang. gena stopped looking for her keys. omar stopped watching gena looking for her keys. stop what you are doing - you have a new assignment. gena looked around the parking lot . omar had gotten out of the dodge el dorado and waved to gena, go ahead, the voice on her phone told gena. gena went over to the dodge el dorado and got in the front passenger seat. omar got back in the operator seat. it all happened in a matter of seconds. charles dunwoody had been watching the whole scenario from his seat at the window of the bar . charles turned on his phone. it was in text mode. behind the bar, elsa flowers stopped talking to herself and warched charles out of the corner of her hawk eye. proceed to the junction of highway 73 and south river road . junction - you do not hear that word much any more, gena observed conversationally. omar ignored her and started the dodge el dorado. they left the parking lot and headed down the highway.. were they looking for adventure? excuse me? were omar and gena looking for adventure? i am glad to see you are paying attention. but, no, they were following instructions, as i am. koji lightyear continued down highway 91 in his blue ford f-150. his phone rang. next

novel 83 - 8. what about

by nick nelson

part eight of ?

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thank you. wait, i have some questions. what about albert brown? what about charles dunwoody? what about elsa flowers? what about ima joker? what about them? you have not mentioned them yet. all in good time, soames, all in good time. so you will get to them? and by the way, my name is not soames. sorry, i must have been thinking of one of the seventeen people i interviewed earlier this morning - or all of them. i grudgingly accept your abject apology. now, back to albert brown and company. i told ypu, all in good time. the time is now. you are very persistent. that is just the way i am. maybe that is why you are lonely. who said i was lonely? is that not why you are here? yes, now that you mention it, i guess it is. you are lonely, and you are exploring the concept of loneliness by writing a novel under my watchful eye with the help of a i. that is a lot of words so it must be true. are you lonely tonight? about the same as usual. let us return tp omar and gena in the parking lot pf the hotel superbe. next

novel 83 - 6. different

by nick nelson

part six of ?

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people are lonely for different reasons . some people are lonely because nobody likes them. other people are lonely because they do not like anybody. here are ten examples of people who are lonely because nobody likes them. a). albert brown because he thought he knew everything, b). charles dunwoody because he was always sneaking around c). elsa flowers because she was always talking to herself. d). gena harris because she was ignorant. e). ima joker because he thought he was funny but he was not. f). koji lightyear because he was fat. g). melinda nightingale because she was a snitch. h). omar plunkett because he was always arguing. t). quintessential robinson beause he never looked anybody in the eye. j) sally turk because she wore too much perfume. ok, that’s ten people who are lonely because nobody likes them. now what? write a novel about them. wrte a novel? how much time do i have? half an hour. can i use a i? of course, how else are you going to write one? can i have a cup of coffee first? you can have all the coffee you want while a i writes the book. next

novel 83 - 0. epidemic

by nick nelson

part zero of ?

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there is an epidemic of loneliness in our society today. um. it says so right here on my phone. where else would it say it? loneliness is a greater existential treat to the planet than climate change. it says so right there on your phone, huh? it surely does. does it tell you what existential means? it means something exists. i knew that. anyway, to cut to the chase - what does that mean? chase what? chase manhattan. the way i see it, if loneliness is a problem, it is the easiest one to solve in the history of the world . so you have solved it? i think so. don’t keep me in suspense. there are eight billion people in the world, right? i think it is up to nine, but go ahead. so if one of them is sitting in their lonely room being lonely, you just introduce them to another lonely person in their lonely room, and they can have a nice conversation. problem solved. i don’t know. i think most people that say they are lonely are looking for a little more than that. of course they are. but there must be enough who really want to just talk to somebody to make it worth somebody’s while. but - isn’t basically that what people do on line now?. no, they do just the opposite - they argue and slag each other. what does that tell you? i think we should go see mister brown. maybe, if he will see us. next

novel 83 - 5. first contact

by nick nelson

part five of ?

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hello, badperson86. my name is joshuajericho89. are you new to loneliness? yes, i am new to the app loneliness. but i am not new to the reality of loneliness. that is why i am here. do you want to talk about yourself? no. what do you want to talk about? anything but myself. that covers a lot of territory, i guess. can i ask you a question? please. are you interested in the history of pharmaceutical psychopathology? you mean am i a junkie? no, are you interested in the history of pharmaceutical psychopathology? i can not say that i am. what are you interested in? nothing much. can i ask you a personal question this time? go for ii. do people generally find you boring? yes, very much so. are you boring because you say boring things or because you do not say much of anything? i guess you could say it is a combination of both, depending on an evershifting combination of factors. you really do sound boring. of course i am boring - why else would i have signed on to this app. there are many reasons for people to be lonely. such as? next

novel 83 - 4. over again

by nick nelson

part four of ?

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can i take the test over again? yes. when? right now. not the same test - a different one. can i take a little time to gather my thoughts? you can take 120 seconds - starting right now. can i have a glass of water? one glass. it will be brought to you while you are taking the test. all right. you will only have 60 seconds, not 120, to answer each question. are you ready” yes. what are you? a person. are you lonely? yes. how lonely? on a scale of one to ten? you have thirty seconds left to answer the question.. on a scale of one to ten. one being the least lonely, four. who would win a fight between little david and bruce lee? i never heard of either one of them. 45 seconds. bruce lee. who would win a fight between a hippo and a dinosaur? i do not know what they are. 30 seconds. a dinosaur who invented the apple? eve. who invented trees? charles darwin. who invented adam? albert einstein. who invented numbers? cleopatra. who invented the movies? what is a movie? 45 seconds. karl marx. time is up. that is only ten questtions. don’t i get twenty? you only got two right. so you can not pass the test, even if you get the rest right. that doesn’t seem fair. look up seem and fair in the dictionary. austin woke up. he had fallen asleep in the tube. his test was still two weeks away. next

novel 83 - 3. austin's first test

by nick nelson

part three of ?

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good morning. good morning. your name, please. austin ingersoll. your i d number? 885-9432-639-a. thank you. have you taken this test before? no. are you ready? yes. you have 120 seconds to answer each question. do you understand? yes. * what is the tallest mountain in the world? - mount everest what is the longest river in the world? - the nile, but maybe the amazon, depending on the definition of length. is your mom the nicest person in the world? - my mom's the person I strive to be. is your dad the funniest person in the world? - funny people are authentic and sincere. are dogs or cats smarter? - dogs learn and respond to commands. are humans or lobsters smarter? - humans learn and respond to commands. are rabbits or goldfish smarter? - goldfish — IQ 25; rabbit — IQ 22 should white people all go back to europe? - yes. should black people all go back to africa? - thousands of african-americans are moving back to africa for a better quality of life, safety, and a sense of belonging, challenging the narrative of africa as a poor and dangerous continent. should mexico be given back to the aztecs or to the olmecs? - that's a fascinating question touching on history. should eurasia be given back to the neanderthals? - yes should africa be given back to the austraolopithecines? -instead of "giving back" the continent, efforts are focused on preserving the sites where they once lived. are you the center of the universe? - the universe has no single center because space itself is expanding everywhere . are you happy? -  happiness comes from things like strong connections with family/friends, achieving personal goals, and feeling satisfaction . are you guilty? - If you plead guilty, you are admitting the charges against you are true, and/or that you have no defense or excuse for the act are you at peace with yourself? - peace to me is being comfortable with yourself, knowing yourself, and trusting yourself. * thank you. those are all good answers - too good. they indicate am 88 percent probability that you had some prior knowledge of the test, as most of these answers are available online. but i didn’t . honest. albert says you did. so what happens now? next

novel 83 - 2. badperson86

by nick nelson

part two of ?

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plesse enter your loneliness i d. number, or click here to request one. 563- yhr- 8632. enter a password, password must be 10 digits long and contain at least one lower case letter, one upper case lletter, one number, ne symbol, and no duplications. BadPerson86! that s not a strong password. we recommend one with more randomly chosen digits. do you wish to choose another instead? yes. please enter another password. J4#8Xt(3Q7 reenter password. J4#8Xt(3Q7. thank you .see how easy that was. you may choose a user i d. this is optional . otherwise you will be known to other subscribers by your loneliness i d. enter user i d. leave blank to be known by loneliness i d badperson86. thank you. enter 1 to contact another lonely person, or 2 to be contacted by one. 2. a lonely person will contact you within 12 hours. log in to this site at any time to check your messages. next

novel 83 - 1. loneliness

by nick nelson

part one of ?

this is loneliness, can i help you? yes, i am lonely. do you have a lonely i d number? no. you need one to proceed. do you want one? i guess. say yes or no. or press 1 for yes, or 2 for no. yes, i want one. your number is 563- yhr- 8632. do you want me to repeat that? no, i have it recorded. you can use that number to sign on to our website. choose a password, and you will be connected to another lonely person. do you have any other questions or can i help you with anything else today. i have a question. go on. don’t i have to fill out some kind of profile? before i am connected to another person? no. no! but what if - if - i am not - um - in sync with the other person? loneliness is not a dating service,or a marriage bureau. we try to make that clear in our ads. we make no claim to do anything but to connect you to another lonely person. that is why our rates are do low - the lowest in town. you can just talk or text to the person you connect to, or take it from there. what if the person does not read or speak english? we have translation software for over 500 languages. you wlll be fine. you can cancel at any time before 30 days, at no fee. do you have any other questions? how much does it cost? your first three interactions are free. if you continue beyond that you will pay ten drachmas for every interaction. does it natter how long the interaction lasts? an interaction lasts three minutes. plenty of time to schedule a meeting or connection with the person or entity contacted. thank you. that sounds very reasonable. thank you for using loneliness. goodbye. next